Before I turn 30
When I turned 20, I had PTDS—Post Twenty Depression
Syndrome. When I turned 25, I had Post and Pre Twenty-Five Depression Syndrome.
It took a few months to get over it. It took a few months to accept the fact
that I can’t slow age down or turn back time, or make up lost time.
I am now 4 months away from turning 30. I’m wondering if
I’ll have Post or Pre Thirty Depression Syndrome. I’m wondering if this next
age mile-marker will be any different than the decade preceding it.
The reason I had PTDS before, had a lot to do with one major
situation. The situation was when I looked at my life, where I was at 20 and
25, I was not happy. I was unhappy with who I was, where I was, and what
I’d done. I wasn’t where I wanted to be or where I thought I should be at that
age. I felt stuck.
At 20, the PTDS served to be a small kick in the pants. I
started to make a few decisions to alter the direction I was headed with my
life.
At 25, the PTDS was an even bigger kick in the pants. The
decisions I made then were even bigger and more drastic. I think I might have
gone a little crazy, but looking back I know the point of the decisions weren’t
the decisions themselves but the fact that I was actually making decisions. I stopped hiding behind false securities and
started taking risks. As a result of those risks I began to do the very thing I
had always been afraid to do.
I started failing.
I failed and failed and failed some more. For every 20
failures I had 1 or 2 successes. But we were moving. We were shaking. We were
moving and shaking and I was no longer stuck.
I forget about those failures sometimes. I selectively only
remember my successes. Those are the fun stories to tell people and blog about.
But if I lined my failures up next to my successes I’d get ICHIDS—I Can’t
Handle It Depression Syndrome.
There were a lot of failures.
But the main thing I learned from those failures is, if you
learn anything from your failures, than it isn’t really a failure, is it? If
you learn something about yourself, your God, your relationships, or about life
then you really didn’t fail at all. You just didn’t achieve what you conceived
to be success—everything working out the way you wanted it.
That’s not failure. That’s awesome.
So 4 months from now I’ll be turning 30. Will I look around
at my life, wonder where the time went, and feel depressed because I’m not
where I want to be?
Maybe.
But the PTDS of 20 years old and 25 years old were huge
motivators to do big things. So if I do fall into depression, feel like I’m not
where I want to be, feel behind, feel stuck, maybe that’ll be a spring board
for some new ideas, new dreams, new decisions. It’ll suck at first and then
it’ll rock. It might lead to some future failures, also known as successes in
disguise.
Maybe we should call them Suc-ailures or Fail-ccesses.
It could become a thing.
Still, I’m sad to soon be leaving 29 behind. I love being
29. It’s hip, and cool, and, let’s face it, a whole lot of sexy. You’ve been a
good year, 29.
But all those things just might be applied to 30. I guess
I’ll find out when I cross over to the other side.
Race you there…