Things You Should Never Say to Someone with No Kids
I’ve been exploring some traditional postures towards family planning. This topic is something I’ve had on my mind for a few years, as many of my friends are married and most of them have started having children.
I didn’t realize how invasive it was to ask someone about their “family plans”—until a friend of mine miscarried. I didn’t know they were trying to have kids until that happened. I realized then, many people don’t share when they are trying, especially if they are experiencing more struggles than they expected. Fertility challenges—including miscarriages—are very painful and very private.
But in some communities, it is expected you’ll hear the baby rattler within a year of a couple getting married. It is a common party topic, to inquire after someone’s family plans—especially if that person is married for longer than one year. It is a person’s duty to have kids (no joke) and if someone chooses to not have them—or chooses to wait longer than socially acceptable—they are considered selfish.
That may sound extreme, but it’s real. I think people ask after someone’s plans for kids without thinking (I know I have). But I’ve learned not to pry into this very personal realm unless I am invited in.
I keep thinking of Elizabeth’s Bennet’s rebuttal to Lady Catherine De Bourg in the BBC Pride and Prejudice series:
“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.”
“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.”
She’s actually talking about choosing whom she will marry, but I think it applies here. She’s not saying she won’t talk to anyone about her choices, she just won’t share her plans with someone who has no business knowing them.
If someone has no children, the reason is none of our business. If they chose to share that information with us, it’s to be carried delicately, with great empathy and care.
Helpful article sent by a friend How My 10-Year Struggle with Infertility Redefined My Identity
Photo by Nynne Schrøder on Unsplash