Review of Prince Harry's Memoir (Centering the Victim)

Prince Harry’s Spare has apparently received a lot of negative pushback. I, however, did not read reviews before reading the memoir, because I wanted to form my own opinion. I’m aware that perspectives of Harry and Megan are polarized, but due to the work I do with abuse survivors, I’m inclined to center the voice of the victim (Harry) over the voice of the perpetrators (The British Media and the Royal Family).

I related with Harry’s story almost instantly. We are both second born. We are the same age, so all the global events documented throughout the book coincided with the age mile markers in my life. And, we both made the gut-wrenching decision, at great personal cost, to leave our families behind.

It is difficult to document with clarity the complex dynamics of a toxic family system. Harry succeeded. He captures the pull of knowing what you’re experiencing is unhealthy, while simultaneously loving the members of that family and wanting to be close. While I think a part of each survivor wishes they were strong enough to throw up the middle finger and walk away from the abuse, reality is so much more confusing. You cling to the good because you want it to be good. You react strongly to the bad because you’re grieving and disappointed on top of being truly injured by the abuse.

The abuse of the royal family falls mainly into the category of neglect. Silence. Pretend everything is fine. All the time. I related to this, as one of the unspoken rules in my family is, “We are one big happy family.” My siblings and I knew this was the image we were expected to portray to the public.

After the death of Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, so very little happened to provide support to Harry and William.No grief counseling. No therapy. Not even open conversation within the family. They did some outward ceremonial things. But that was it. Harry didn’t even cry until he was in his late 20s--he wanted to, he just couldn’t. I believe this reflects the silencing of the environment he was in. The trauma was ignored (likely because it wasn’t noticed). And that trauma impacted Harry’s daily life throughout the entire story.

This is where I found the most value in the story: Harry can name the trauma. The PTSD. How the trauma impacted his memory, which caused him to have difficulties in school. He names how it impacted his relationships. It led to his substance abuse--like it leads to substance abuse for so many who are traumatized. The media portrayed him as a partying playboy--but really he was just trying to drown out the pain he was never allowed to address. The trauma nearly caused an ending to his relationship with Megan. The reason their relationship survived is because she told him to get help, and he did.

Then there was the open assault Harry experienced his whole life at the hands of the British media. I was appalled at how many outright lies Harry dispelled. “That conversation never happened,” “That wasn’t true,” “We never did that,” “That story was entirely false.” Where was journalistic integrity? Where was fact checking? There wasn’t any. The media could say whatever they wanted--because they were talking about the royal family. The only rules seemed to be that they needed to have a real, corroborating photo (which led to some highly dangerous situations for Harry, the interruption of his army service three times, and the end of multiple romantic relationships). There were no rules for the story the press wrote about the photos they took by invasively stalking Harry. Often the press engaged in criminal behavior (placing trackers on cars, tapping phones, physical assault) in order to get photos.

Someone might ask, “How do we know Harry is the one telling the truth?” That’s the sticking point for any survivor. In Harry’s case, however, he actually has a lot of proof. The publicity of his life means he has a lot of documentation. He has a lot of witnesses.

Something that helps me in any he-said-she-said situation is asking who has the power. And then, who has the most to lose? The media, it appears, always had the most power--because they controlled the narrative. For Harry to fight back, to tell his version of the story, to deny allegations--he had a lot to lose. In fact, he lost his family. He lost is status in the royal family. He lost the financial security of being a member of the royal family. Telling the truth came with a cost. Telling lies, for the media, resulted in massive payouts.

Also, Harry was there. It was his life. It was his trauma, his grief, his family, his relationships. If he were only sharing rosy stories, we might call him an unreliable narrator. If he were only sharing horror stories, we might say the same thing--unreliable. It is my opinion his story is fairly balanced. There’s also a healthy dose of self-deprecation. Many stories he told did not actually make him look good. He shares regrets. He shares grief, and trauma, and love. He’s surprisingly vulnerable, not just about his struggles, but about his hopes and dreams.

Telling the truth cost Harry and Megan greatly. So I am inclined to believe this story. It takes massive amounts of courage to leave behind the life you have always known (no matter how dangerous and toxic it is) to pursue happiness and health elsewhere. I cannot even imagine how much courage it took for someone of Harry’s public stature.

My only negative critique of the book (which isn’t really critique, just personal preference) is that his time in the military took up SO MUCH of the book. I dislike war-related stories, so I was thoroughly bored throughout that much of the book. The most important parts of those stories were how the media sabotaged his career--something he really loved and cared about.

It seems to me, despite all he’s endured, Harry has found love, happiness, and family in the aftermath of abuse. Grief remains. Healing continues. But health and peace are possible on the other side.

I believe this story.