On Writing About Abuse in the Family
During a brief phone call to catch up, my grandmother expressed concern that I would write about family in my next book on Spiritual Abuse. She audibly sighed with relief when I said it would mostly be about Spiritual Abuse in the church.
One of the family mottos I grew up with was "One big happy family." The family rule was that family must always come first and you must protect the family at all costs.
However, the script that we must always speak well of family can be tremendously damaging, especially when it hides abuse, enables abusers, and prevents the victims from getting the help they need. This is something I have had to reckon with in my writing and public sharing of my story.
Family dynamics are massively complicated. It will take me a lifetime to unravel. For example, while abuse is a strong narrative in my family of origin, I also have bright pockets of memories. The same grandmother who wishes I didn't speak publicly about abuse was an incredible inspiration. She obtained a college degree and a master's degree during an era when that was uncommon for women. A widow and the daughter of an immigrant, she raised two daughters as a single mother. I’ve been thinking about the impact it had on me that I had a grandmother who was this ambitious amidst difficult life circumstances. She supported me in my pursuit of higher education, even when my parents did not. Just knowing she had already succeeded, and she was in my corner no matter what—it made a huge difference.
It's difficult to hold the bad alongside the good. Acknowledging the good sometimes feels like minimizing the bad. Acknowledging the bad sometimes feels like erasing the good. And what about the stuff that isn't necessarily bad, it's just unhealthy and unhelpful?
To navigate the complexity of family, we must often wade into this whirlpool of contradiction, careful that when holding space for the good memories, we do not gaslight ourselves.
Because the good memories have been used to gaslight me—whether it was my own internal dialogue or family members who liked to remind me how much worse it could have been—they often stir up confusing, unpleasant emotions. I'm not always sure what to do with them.
Something I often say to clients—and to myself—is, "Just tell the story." (When and where it is safe to do so.) Tell it in all the messiness and complexity and confusion and joy and pain. Share the good parts and the bad parts and the happy and the sad parts. If you struggle to know what to share, sit a moment and ask, what do you need to share? What's demanding attention right now? Tell that part. Other parts will come. Make time leaps if you need to. Seemingly disconnected parts will eventually find their way to each other. Just tell the story.
My experience with my grandmother isn't roses and rainbows. I know that. But today, I've got warm feelings as I acknowledge the impact of being the descendant of a woman who has lived such a full and vibrant life.
On the phone call when Nana and I talked about my latest book, we also talked about retirement funds and investments (I learned a lot about financial planning just from watching her). We talked about how I inherited her chronic compulsion to arrive early to everything. (I never knew I got that from her!) As we got off the phone, she hadn't hung up yet when I heard her exclaim, "Grandkids!" in an exasperated tone to someone named Bill in her yoga class. While I could picture her rolling her eyes, I knew she was showing off.
I’ve got warm feelings today, because I could sense my grandmother was proud of me while I was incredibly proud of her. (I mean, she’s ninety-two years old in a yoga class!)
She might not read my second book, and if she does, she probably won’t like it. (She all but told me I should stick to writing fiction.) She is allowed to have her opinion and I’m allowed to choose my own path, even if she doesn’t like it.
This is just one part of the story.
Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC is the founder of Tears of Eden, a nonprofit supporting survivors of spiritual abuse and is a Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner working primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. She also provides specialized trauma informed career coaching, as folks with trauma often need extra support for interviewing and networking.
Katherine is the author of a historical romantic comedy, Hartfords, a novel that challenges gender roles in a patriarchal society that will appeal to fans of Jane Austen. Her next book on Spiritual Abuse addresses the survivor’s recovery journey, coming in 2025.
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