Gaslit by a Marriage: When a Phenomenal Woman is Partnered with a Toxic Man
It happened again. I once again questioned my instincts and suppressed my initial assessment of a man, all because of the person he was married to.
Have you ever met an amazing woman who is partnered with a man whom you thought was—just all right? Perhaps you thought the man was really toxic, but because she was married to him, he must not be so bad?
I’m here to suggest that the man secured this woman on purpose, with the very intention of gaslighting the people around him. She’s become his flying monkey, doing his bidding by making him look good, whether she signed up for that role or not.
I had this experience just recently. I did not like the husband, but the wife was super solid: an all-around great human. Her being so amazing caused me to question my initial instincts about the husband. After all, if she liked him enough to marry him, maybe he wasn't so bad?
Then he showed his true colors.
I experienced some frustration with myself that I "let myself" get gaslit—until I remembered that the husband probably set this situation up on purpose. Most of us know men who are married to women who are way too good for them. Often this sort of man doesn't want a partner, he wants a trophy.
And women have been conditioned since birth to be that trophy.
There was a saying amongst the guys in the south where I grew up. They all wanted to “outkick their coverage” in marriage. Usually this meant they wanted to marry someone who was more attractive than they were, but it had a deeper meaning. They wanted to marry someone who’d elevate their status and make them look good.
I saw this as perfectly normal once. I find it super gross now.
In the ultra conservative community I grew up in, I remember admonitions to be like the Proverbs 31 woman who was the “crown of her husband”. The gaggle of women who instructed me on what this meant told me my job was to make my husband look good.
There it is: women conditioned to make their husbands look good and men conditioned to lock down a woman who will do all the work of securing their reputation in society.
Women deserve better. And I think many of us are waking up to it. It makes me think of that "unequally yoked" verse in the Bible. I was taught it meant you shouldn't marry an unbeliever, but what if it meant you shouldn't marry someone who isn’t able to be your true partner?
We can trust our instincts. Because it's quite common for amazing women to partner with toxic men, we don't have to gaslight ourselves if we don't like a man who has a phenomenal woman as an intimate partner. Make him stand on his own two feet. Don't let him hide behind his wife.
I hope we grow as a society and support women in their efforts to choose better for themselves. Even if the better is just being by themselves.
Women deserve better.
Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC is the founder of Tears of Eden, a nonprofit supporting survivors of spiritual abuse and is a Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner working primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. She also provides specialized trauma informed career coaching, as folks with trauma often need extra support for interviewing and networking.
Katherine is the author of a historical romantic comedy, Hartfords, a novel that challenges gender roles in a patriarchal society that will appeal to fans of Jane Austen. Her next book on Spiritual Abuse addresses the survivor’s recovery journey, coming in 2025.
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